The Manly Diary of Roy Mustang
by Mird
Summary: My name is Roy Mustang, and I am out of character. Come read of my adventures in the land of OOC in my extremely manly diary. -oneshot-


**Sequel to The Manly Diary of Edward Elric. Don't deny it- you KNOW that you wanted a sequel. Next is Al, and after that, I think I'll be done…Damn. These are fun to write.**

The Manly Diary of Roy Mustang

_October 15th_

Hello, world of FFnet. My name is Roy Mustang. I have jet-black, raven hair and onyx orbs. All the Mary Sues fall for me because of my sexy good looks. I date fifteen girls at once.

Actually, I can't even count to fifteen. My mind is too clouded with thoughts of sex and miniskirts.

I work in an office and spend most of my free time taking naps and drooling on my paperwork, pulling pranks on my subordinates, dodging bullets from Hawkeye's gun (when she isn't too busy reading a romance novel, that is) and drinking the stash of booze that I keep hidden in my desk.

_October 16th_

Today was very busy for me. I kept my Manly Diary inside my hidden condom drawer so that I could write in it while I was supposed to be working.

During my before-lunch-nap, I dreamt about Ishbal. I woke up crying, because grown men always cry. It's just so very manly.

I am currently folding my paperwork into paper airplanes and launching them at Fuery one after another. I keep missing, though, because I'm so occupied with staring at Hawkeye's ass.

Excuse me. I'm feeling angsty because Hawkeye will never love me. It's time to go cry in the bathroom for the rest of the workday. Good bye for now, Manly Diary. Until tomorrow, you must wait.

_October 17th_

Today, I skipped work (no one missed me; it's not like I ever do any work, anyway) to visit Hughes' grave. I angsted for ten hours straight. I used my gloves to dry my tears, because I'm really just that stupid.

Hawkeye came to find me at eight in the evening because she is my babysitter and must constantly watch over me. She draped her jacket lovingly around my shoulders and led me wordlessly back to my home.

_October 18th_

Today, I adopted Ed. He was angsting about being parentless, and since I have been growing fond of him over the years, and Al is dead, and Ed's stuck in a hospital because of an angst-inducing car crash, I figured that adopting him would be the best course of action.

He has a lot of health issues right now, so I have to take a day or two off of work to bottle-feed him. I wish Hughes could be here to talk pictures. A sixteen year old boy being bottle fed is super-kawaii-desu.

_October 19th_

I had sex with one of my millions of girlfriends last night. I think she was dating Havoc at one point. I always steal his girlfriends, though, so he's used to it. It's not a big deal.

Anyways, she's pregnant now.

(Remember, kids, every time Roy Mustang gets one of your OCs pregnant, a fairy dies.)

I dated Ed for a few hours today, until he found out that I've been cheating on him with Havoc, Fuery, Breda, Falman, Al, Winry and at least seventeen OCs. Oh well. He'll be back. He depends my bottle-feeding skills for the safety of his life.

_October 20th_

Today, I got drunk in the office. I played thirty nine pranks on various military members. Most of them involved toilet paper, live chickens and large amounts of cat food.

I wasn't fired. Everyone loves me too much to fire me. My supply of booze remains in my desk, and my paperwork continues to gather dust. Oh well. I'll just dump it all on Hawkeye later.

_October 21st_

Today, I skipped work again to angst about Ishbal at my favorite bar. Depressing images of blood and angst and gore and angst and blood and stuff flashed before my glistening onyx orbs. I swallowed my sorrows with massive amounts of booze. All the while, my six year old mind is scheming of creative ways to go about pranking my subordinates.

When I got home, I sobbed my orbs out to my empty apartment (or house, or mansion, or box or whatever) because I am a grown man and crying is very manly.

_October 22nd_

Today, I confessed my love to Riza. She started sobbing and I started sobbing. Who am I kidding? She deserves better. I'm a murderer. I killed hundreds of people in Ishbal.

(Here, we shall ignore the fact that Riza was there, doing the exact same thing.)

Anyways. The second she discovered my undying love for her, she stripped us both of our clothes and we had a super-smexy lemon on top of my paperwork-covered desk. I got paper cuts on my-

_October 23rd_

It turns out that Havoc was watching the entire super-smexy lemon. To stop him from telling Fuhrer Bradley, I've decided to be overly friendly to all my subordinates. I'm even adding honorifics to their names. They all know what I'm talking about, even though we live in a European country. They all have new honorific-ified titles, except for Breda and Falman. They don't deserve titles. Breda is fat and Falman is boring.

The new titles are:

-Chibi-neko-Edo-kun

-Kawaii-Desu-Riza-Chan

-Havoc-No kimi-desu-chan

-Fuery-san-kun-chan-sensei

I don't know what any of these words mean, but they're super-neko-kawaii-desu!

_October 24th_

Today, the intelligent fanfic writers and readers revolted against me for being so painfully OOC. It makes me sad that they have lost faith in the manliness of my character.

Now, please excuse me while I sob into my collection of slutty miniskirts (after all, they are the only reason that I want to become Fuhrer.).

_October 25th_

I'm writing this on the back of my unfinished paperwork from last March. My manly diary has been stolen!

Oh, here comes Ed. Thank god. I need another manly man to help me recover from this terrible loss.

...

He says that HIS manly diary was stolen as well! He says that some random bitch posted it on the Internet!

Oh dear. I hope they don't-

* * *

**Heh. I got Roy, too. ^^**


End file.
